Toxic Relationships

Violence in a relationship means a toxic relationship.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. More than 30 percent of hospital emergency-room admissions are women who have been abused. Domestic violence is the single greatest cause of injury to women in the United States.

Domestic violence has nothing to do with anger. Anger is a tool abusers use to get what they want. Abusers are in control because they can stop when someone knocks on the door or the phone rings; they often direct punches and kicks to parts of the body where the bruises are less likely to show; and they do not abuse when they become “angry”, but wait until there are no witnesses and then abuses the one he says he loves.

violent behaviors usually escalate in frequency and intensity over time.

Studies show that most children are aware of the violence directed at their mother. Men who abuse their partners are more likely to abuse the children in the home. Domestic violence is the number one predictor for child abuse. Subjecting children to an environment full of violence and hateful words is not a good environment for a child to grow up in. No good father will do such a thing.

Here are some personal thoughts on relationship violence. I am not an especially self-controlled person, probably fairly average. I can be emotional, but I have inhibitions that I share with the majority of any peaceful society. I write this testimony for anyone suffering in an abusive relationship to illustrate that violence is really not an option.

When my wife left me for another man, I wanted to kill him. This is not a loose statement. I had a very strong desire to look him straight in his eyes and shoot him.

My wife was also responsible for leaving me. But he knew my wife was a married woman before he tried to seduce her, and he was a manipulating psychopath. His behavior with his ex girlfriends fitted that profile.

He actually preyed on my wife. I did not excuse her for falling for that man. My anger and frustration towards what my wife had done seethed in me. But I still loved her.

It is possible to love someone, and be angry at what that person has done, both at the same time. We must always separate the person from the action. The exception is the psychopathic/sociopathic or narcissists personality, where the action and the person are intertwined.

I could not lift a finger to hurt my wife. I was very angry with her, but I could not hurt her. I was unable to do that. I was still in love with her. If I was not in love with her I would not have felt so strong. An abuser has strong emotions as well, but they are not feelings of love. In fact it is doubtful if a narcissistic person is able to love. The abuser's strong emotions are purely selfish, self-centered and egoistic.

I did some detective work to find out the background of the %$#&*#@. I met some people who knew him and three former girlfriends. The picture that started to develop was of a nasty individual. The picture fitted an individual described in warning signs of an abuser. None of the ex girlfriends wanted him back and were happy to be rid of him.

I warned my wife, but she would accept nothing from me. She said I was lying to get her back. He was so charming, how could he be the way I described him?

I seriously wanted to kill him, but what kept me from doing that was that I would let my children down. They were the only reason I did not shoot that man. They deserved better than to have a father sitting on death row. So even though I seemed to have lost my sanity to some extent, I still had some common sense left.

For the record, this is the only person I have ever felt the desire to kill.

But at no point would I have hurt my wife. I was not able to.

How can one physically hurt the person one loves?

Shout? Yes.
Throw plates at the wall? Yes.
Smash things on the ground? Why not?

Hit the person one loves with one’s fist? No!

Statistics show that if a spouse physically hits his/her partner, the chance of it happening again is very strong.

A slap is bad. But there is still a chance the slapping spouse is as shocked as the slapped spouse. In these cases there can be true regret. But this must never happen again. A slap does not cause as much physical injury as a fist or a hard object, but it is a very serious red flag warning.

Hitting with a fist is a reason to leave before you get seriously injured. Statistically it will happen again. Next time could be worse.

Being hit with a hard object is likewise a reason to leave.

Hitting with a fist or a hard object indicates a lack of inhibition, which the majority of people in all societies and cultures have. It is unusual for a person to hit another person with a fist or a hard object, or to hit a hard object with a fist (with the knuckles). Be careful of these people.

We must avoid or get out of such toxic relationships.

Charles Wilson